not strong enough
Life is heavy + I am weak = I need to be stronger.
I think that. Sometimes I even pray it: “Please make me stronger. I can’t carry all this heaviness.”
But, what if I’m not meant to carry it?
I’m a youngest child. And I’m small. (And competitive.) I’ve spent my whole life trying to keep up, trying to prove I could do what my brothers or friends or whoever could do, trying to prove I was big enough and strong enough.
But . . . I’m not.
And as the heaviness settles on my heart—from life’s challenges, my friends’ pain, my own loss—I realize the answer isn’t to try to match my strength to its weight. I can’t balance the scales. I will never be big enough or strong enough.
And, for once, my smallness, my weakness, is an asset . . . because the weight shifts from manageable to burdensome in a breath. I sense the “too much” and the “too heavy” quickly because it doesn’t take much weight to buckle my knees.
I cannot stand under this load. My slight frame speeds me to a place of surrender as I remember Jesus promised light burdens and an easy yoke. This soul-straining pressure is not that yoke. When my legs are shaking and my arms ache, I know I have traded His truth for another’s lies.
That’s the problem with my equation: when I pray to be made stronger, I’m praying for a one-to-one solution. I’m asking to break even, to hold my own. But my own strength will never be sufficient, no matter how strong I am.
And I feel my load lighten as I accept the weight of grace in its place.
I love “the weight of grace in its place.” What a needed metaphor.
Thanks, Friend! It’s the best weight, isn’t it?
Thank you again, Kristen! The LORD often speaks through you! Love, Aunt Jill >
Thanks, Aunt Jill — love you, too!
It should seem like such a freeing thing to be dependent on the Lord, yet it seems so difficult. The desire to be strong, to be in control, to be in charge is deeply ingrained. It’s an easy default mode. Living is grace, as wonderful as it sounds, is very counter-cultural. It’s certainly not of this world. It seems like it should be so easy, yet I find the reality quite different far too often. Very powerful, well articulated thoughts, Kristen!
Thanks, Uncie! Definitely hard to override that default mode, but so amazing in the moments we experience the light yoke of surrender Jesus offers. Love walking with you in the journey!