looking through me

Tag: words

lawn lesson

Over the rumble of a lawnmower I can hear the neighbor two doors down instructing her son. The words are muffled, but I recognize the intonation and short, declarative statements of a lesson.

I make out a few phrases.

“Back up.”

“You’re veering left.”

“Left!”

The nine year old emits an indecipherable squeal.

“Good.”

“Stop.”

“Good job.”

As I listen to the coaching of a mom—not the lecturing or the explaining but the real-time, step-by-step directions—I realize how often I wish I could hear those quick bursts of instruction from God.

“Stop.”

“You’re veering left.”

“Back up.”

“Now!”

“Good.”

“Look at me.”

“Almost.”

“Good job.”

But it doesn’t work that way. There are no audible words as I navigate new lessons or work my way through a review of something I probably should know by now.

Or at least the words don’t come from the mouth of God. They come in the texts and emails from friends and mentors, the counsel of parents, the teaching of pastors, the encouragement of my small group. Truth is truth. God speaks through the voices He knows I’ll hear . . . if not always obey.

The lawnmower cuts off, and I realize I was listening to my neighbor’s son mow the lawn for the first time. I can almost hear the words, “Well done!”

Then I realize those are the first two words I may hear from God in His own voice someday.

 

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celebrate today

I glance in the mirror and see the words stamped on my necklace: celebrate today.

I don’t feel like celebrating today. Today doesn’t feel celebratory.

That’s why I’m wearing the necklace. I chose it for its imperative. I needed the reminder—the command—to celebrate despite the feelings, not because of them.

For days tears have welled up for unknown reasons. My throat has ached from the perpetual lump. I don’t understand why, but I do understand it matters. I understand I am viewing life through dark and broken lenses. I understand my heart has staged a coup and unseated my head.

And that’s okay.

I can be sad. I can crave sleep and fail to find it. I can struggle to articulate what I’m feeling and why. I can.

The emotions are indicators. They are important, but they are incomplete. They tell their portion of the story loudly and dramatically, yet from the shadows I hear quieter voices of truth reciting their lines.

Today is good. Today is beautiful. Today is worthy of celebration . . . because it is today.

I look up from the necklace and meet my eyes in the mirror. I see the fatigue. I blink away the burgeoning sheen of inexplicable tears.

I close my eyes. I rub the small silver tab of my necklace between my thumb and fingers. I feel the indentations of the words. I inhale. I pause. I exhale.

Celebrate. Today.

 

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