looking through me

Tag: memories

gratitude

I move through life picking up pebbles—each one a remembrance, a blessing:

Grandma’s smile.

A hug.

The full moon.

A shared meal.

The tree that sounds like the ocean.

Cuddling a baby.

The sunrise.

A word of encouragement.

Being present.

My niece saying my name.

The feel of the breeze.

Rain.

A lesson learned.

Stillness.

But my hands are small. I pick the pebbles up, perhaps I hold a few at a time; I make mental—and sometimes written—note of them, but then I drop them. I pick up and drop them . . . pick up and drop them . . . pick up and drop them.

And I forget. I may pick up the same stone two times or nine, I don’t know. They slip through my fingers and out of my mind.

Gone . . . gone where?

Today I turned around, and I did not see a trail of scattered gravel—no, I saw those ordinary, easy-to-miss pebbles created a collective altar of gratitude.

Unbelievable.

The moments were only moments, not momentous—each one an average, everyday bit of rock. There were no boulders. No marble. No polished granite. No glittering gemstones. But together those pebbles form a mighty memorial.

They tell a story of great faithfulness and grace. My story. A story I tend to overlook as incomplete and unremarkable. But today I see the assemblage of blessing—the people, the experiences, the beauty—and I see the fingerprints of God.

So I pick up the next pebble and the next pebble and whisper my thankfulness.

 

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circles

I glanced to my left in the stop-and-go traffic. Eight men were sitting in a circle eating lunch mere feet from cars. A respite from their work widening the freeway.

Hours later I watched my two-year old niece draw dozens of “circles” of various sizes and shapes. She was satisfied with each one.

There’s something about circles.

I’ve been in countless circles over the years from my lunch group in high school circled up on the band room floor to the softball huddle in the pitcher’s circle to hand-held family prayers before holiday meals to a team-building community circle with my fourth grade students to small groups putting ourselves out there and finding gentle hearts ready to hold us.

What happens in a circle can’t happen in rows or even shoulder-to-shoulder. There’s a level of exposure—everyone can see my face, I cannot hide. And safety—we’re all in the same position.

Circles can be damaging: being the one left out or the one in the middle. I’ve stood on the outside and known the whispers were about me. And I’ve sat defenseless in the middle and known I would not leave unscathed though the wounds would be deep inside.

Circles are elemental, instinctual. So who’s in my circle? And whose circle am I in? Are they people I’m living life with face-to-face? Or are they pseudo-communities of people I think I know from the crafted selves we show online? Are they static and cliquish or dynamic and welcoming? Are they making me braver by unmasking my false fronts? Are they reflecting truth and grace? Am I?

Some days my circles feel as wobbly and undefined as a two-year old’s crayon marks; but still, they shape me.

And other days they feel as freeform and natural as construction workers on a lunch break.

 

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