looking through me

Tag: hope

seasons? what seasons?

I’m familiar with distinct seasons . . . as seen in books and movies. But I’ve only lived in places where seasons are tied to levels of dryness and vacation-worthy temperatures.

Here in the land of mild, we had one good, cold week, and it jolted the few deciduous trees into action. Yellow leaves floated down from the sixty-foot tall tree behind my office. The brittle, golden curls skittered across the walkway in the breeze. The morning sunlight set them aglow, and an earthy aroma filled the air as they settled in drifts on the grass between buildings. Yet within a week the tree was awash in new growth. Budding leaves cast a fuzzy, green haze over branches still retaining their last dying leaves. Fall and spring converged in January.

Perhaps this is why my grasp of seasons remains weak. The dying and new birth mingle with no stretch of barrenness between them; the need to wait is obliterated. The lemon trees in the front yard produce fruit year-round. The roses are still blooming when the gardening manuals say to cut them back. October can be hotter than July. June is drearier than January. I look out the window, and the sunny view of the park’s greenery could be May or September, but my calendar says it is February.

Time rises, dances and drops like a kite in the wind. I cannot find the rhythm. There is no steady bass line keeping me in step as the melody cycles from mellow to minimal to sprightly to bold.

And while my body loves the ever-pleasant temperatures, my soul longs for a different pattern. It longs for slower, sparser days to reflect. It longs for new sprouts in unexpected places and the stark contrast of brilliant blessing in a previously gray and brown world. It longs for the chance to linger in the lengthening days and see measurable change. It longs for a concentrated harvest of the lessons sown in bleaker days that have gradually come to fruition. It longs to shed the old and make room for the new.

I long for the hope built into the nature of seasons.

 

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unashamed

There’s a line I love and try to live. “Seek peace and pursue it” (Psalm 34.14b). But I’m a context-reader, and as I marinate in the whole psalm something else keeps demanding my attention:

I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces are never covered with shame. (Psalm 34.4-5)

Shame—the sickening feeling that whispers, “I’m a bad person unworthy of love and acceptance”—infects me from the inside out. I wear my shame.

Until I remember I can’t wear shame and look Jesus in the eye at the same time. He shows shame for the sham it is. He uncovers my face.

When I drop my fears and failures in His lap and admit how small I feel, He answers. He ever so gently cups my chin in His hand and lifts my face up; everything else slips out of sight when I fix my eyes on Him. And the shame goes with it. I can’t hold Jesus’ gaze and still believe myself unworthy. It isn’t possible. His worthiness covers me.

Yet shame creeps back. It’s as pervasive as my fear of heights. I get nauseous and lightheaded. I feel faint. A wave of heat washes over me. I start to lose my balance. My heart races. My mouth goes dry. I end up plastered to a wall or curled up in a ball on the floor. My head knows I’m perfectly safe, but my body refuses to believe. It infuriates me.

But it doesn’t stop me. I still zip-line in rain forests and visit observation decks on the tallest buildings in the world. I step out into the freaky little see-through floored cube 1,353 feet up a skyscraper’s side. I just don’t go alone. When I start spinning I look into the face of a friend and am reminded I’m not falling.

And, when the feeling of shame floods in and I start reeling, one look into Jesus’ face says my shame isn’t me. My spiral straightens out. I uncurl from the emotional fetal position.

Peace—sought and mercifully found . . . again.

 

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