looking through me

Tag: generations

dressers

I traded out my mass-produced, self-assembled dresser for a family heirloom. Both have four drawers, but—unlike the interchangeable parts of modern convenience—the real deal is far from standard; each drawer is hand-crafted and a different size. Unable to do a direct drawer-to-drawer transfer, I reconfigured the contents . . . and I’m still adjusting to the new system.

Opening an incorrect drawer in the old dresser was no big deal. Wheels glided along tracks, and I could open and shut drawers with one finger. But this dresser is different. It’s real wood. It’s big and heavy. There are no wheels. There are no tracks. It takes two hands pulling with equal force to slide a drawer out and two hands positioned in the right places to shove it closed. Anything else results in a crooked, jammed drawer. But the effort is worth it.

Before arriving in my bedroom, this work of art journeyed from upstate New York to southern California. It stood in my great-grandma’s and my grandparents’ homes. It’s held sets of silver and decks of cards, bracelets and yoga pants, hand-tatted doilies and house keys.

It has a few banged up corners, but it’s as dependable as ever. It was built to be used, and it has been. For over a hundred years. By one family.

I run my hand across its broad, smooth top and feel our history. Deep in the grain of the wood runs the line of love dove-tailing us together as one.

 

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.


Follow on Bloglovin’

pre-thanksgiving . . . grief and gratitude

It’s November and the weather is catching up to the season. With the flip of the calendar and the chill in the air, my thoughts drift toward the holidays.

At work I write copy for our Christmas campaign with a sense of relief that I can skip ahead to December. I’ve never been excited to rush through the eleventh month to get to the twelfth month—not once. I fight the too-early arrival of Christmas each year . . .

But today I welcomed it.

Because when I picture my family we are gathered around my grandparents’ dining room table on the last Thursday of November. And I’m unable to imagine my favorite day without my grandma. It’s been years since she candied the yams or we celebrated at their house; but even as our traditions morphed, we were together. This year we’ll be missing our matriarch, and I can’t wrap my heart around the hole.

Maybe it would be easier if we’d had a holiday or two to practice being present in her absence, but we haven’t. Our first big family day since she stepped heavenward will be Thanksgiving. And the incongruity of gratitude and loss hounds me.

Each day of this new normal I notice more ways I miss Grandma: her smile, her grace, her one-liners, her joy, her ability to temper our rough edges with a look, a word or simply her presence. She was the filter through whom we saw one another. I am grateful. And I grieve.

So I relish the temperature change and the crisp pleasure of today—laden with memories of the past—as I put off the future. The griefs will arrive in due time; they can neither be rushed nor postponed.

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.


Follow on Bloglovin’