looking through me

Category: Uncategorized

un-healing

In all my church’s imperfection—and we are certainly imperfect—I’m reminded of something that’s true of every church: we are sinners only called saints by the grace of Jesus.

There’s a lot of pain sitting in the seats on a Sunday morning. There’s a lot of pain sitting in the office on a Tuesday morning. There are a lot of hurts in leaders and laity alike.

But we are also a body. Together. And within that body there is not only the pain of the individual members, but the pain we feel collectively. The pain we share because we are a living entity.

As I was praying for us as a body, a sentence popped into my mind: some hurts won’t be healed here.

Huh. Not the answer about our church health I wanted. But as I sat with that phrase—some hurts won’t be healed here—another one interrupted it: that doesn’t negate our purpose or God’s presence.

Some hurts won’t be healed here. That doesn’t negate our purpose or God’s presence.

Those are weighty words. And they aren’t my words. Not by a long shot. I sat in silence feeling the heft of them in my lap, and then I started searching for biblical context to support them . . . or maybe even disprove them because, let’s be honest, I wasn’t jazzed about the idea that we’re going to live with chronic pain.

And while God does not hit me upside the head with a two-by-four or speak to me in an audible voice, He has a way of making His points. So He proceeded with the progression of simplicity from sentence to fragment to single words. Two of them.

Paul. Thorn.

Ooohhhhhhh. I realize Paul was one person. He wrote about a personal affliction to a church—a body of believers—so the context is different from mine as a member of a body praying for us as a collective entity. I understand this is not a one-to-one correspondence. I do.

But.

Maybe these words are for this body, for us, too.

“‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

Some hurts won’t be healed here.
That doesn’t negate our purpose or God’s presence.

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waiting

There’s a low-grade hum pulsing through me. It’s the murmur of expectation and the suppressing shush shifting my focus from the possible back to the present. Because what may be is not what is.

Yet I strain against the second hand. There is so much simmering—I want to watch the pot. I want to guess when it might boil. I want to plan for all the potential bubbling up. But it’s not time. It might simmer for days or weeks . . . it might not boil at all.

Waiting is hard. Being present to what is—instead of being caught up in what might be—is hard.

The pull of possibility is strong, so I keep tugging my attention from the tension of waiting to the nimbly passing now. Where am I this moment? What lesson can I learn here? What grace is unfolding around me? How can I be useful in this reality, not the one that may or may not be coming?

I want to live well. I want to look back at my day, my year, my life and see that I lived each moment fully. I don’t want to see the present slip by while I wait for the future.

Still, I’m tempted to let my eyes linger on the pot. I’m tempted to compose a melody to resolve the static hum of anxiety.

The water may not boil. But this moment—right here, right now—is mine.

 

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